I don't think I'd get much argument
from even the gentlest THG reader when I say
that recently-executed domestic terrorist Tim
McVeigh was a monster.
it was hard for even the most vocal death penalty
opponent to work up much of a lather over the
lethal injection death of the infamous Oklahoma
City bomber. This was, after all, the guy who
killed 168 people with a rental truck filled
with homemade explosives back in April of 1995.
It seemed like the only opposition to McVeigh's
execution centered around the method. Lethal
injection seems like a pretty easy way out for
a guy that referred to the innocent kids that
perished in the building's day care center as
"collateral damage." In fact, execution
eyewitnesses made it sound like the buzz-cutted
killer simply drifted off to the Great Mass
Murderer's Convention in the Sky.
Now, I'm not saying that we should've
shot him full of holes, hung him or juiced him.
Not unless you could've guaranteed me some sort
of "tragic mishap" like the one that
befell Jesse Joseph Tafaro in a Florida prison
on May 4, 1990. As reported by the good folks
"Instead of using a natural sponge, they
replaced it with a synthetic one. Six-inch flames
erupted from the head apparatus and three jolts
were required. The Floridians tested their theory
by putting a similar sponge into a toaster and
then observing that it smoldered and burst into
flames. This theory of botched electrocution
is causing some controversy, since other states
supposedly use synthetic sponges without problems."
To paraphrase Penn Jillette, if
you've got to have capital punishment we might
as well enjoy it!
But, even worse than McVeigh's
senseless act of anti-government terrorism (an
act sure to be the subject of many bad Steven
Seagal movies) is his blatantly bad taste. It
all starts with that Army brush cut he never
seemed to shake after his time in the shit.
Matched with that orange jumper or those priso-issue
khakis it made him look like he was off his
Yet that pales in comparison to
the subject of his last meal. Despite rotting
in various prison cells for the last six years,
McVeigh kept us guessing until the hours before
his June 11th execution to find out what he'd
requested for his last meal...
...two pints of mint chocolate
chip ice cream.
Ice cream. Doesn't he know that
stuff'll kill him? At the very least it can't
be good for your teeth!
All the talk about Big Tim's Final
Ice Cream Binge got me thinking about last meals.
Did you know that the state of Maryland doesn't
let you request a last meal? You get whatever's
on the menu for that day! Now, if it's Baltimore
Crab Cakes, that's not so bad. With my luck,
though, it'd be something with beets. Like a
Beet Casserole. Dirty screws!
I expected McVeigh to thumb his
nose at us one last time with his last meal
request, or at least find Jesus. A quick look
at the Texas
Department of Corrections ('natch) Web site
turned up their highly-detailed, extremely entertaining
look at last meal requests. Listed without the
slightest hint of irony the site details the
last requests of the likes of: Dennis Dowthitt
(1 dozen fried eggs (over easy), 1 loaf of bread,
a bowl of salad dressing, french fries, and
milk (3 cartons)); Jeff Dillingham (1 Cheeseburger
with American, Cheddar and Mozzerella Cheese,
without mayonaise, mustard or onions; Large
French Fries; Bowl of Macaroni and Cheese; Lasagna
with 2 slices of Garlic Bread; 4 oz. of Nacho
Cheese; 3 Large Cinnamon Rolls; 5 Scrambled
Eggs; 8 pints of Chocolate Milk); David Gibbs
(Chef salad (any dressing except oil and vinegar),
two bacon cheeseburgers all the way (cut the
onions), deep fried home fries (with chili powder
on top), pitcher of fruit flavored milkshake,
two scotch eggs (boiled and packed in a sausage
roll, battered and deep-fried and served with
syrup), slice of pie); Odell Barnes, Jr. (Justice,
Equality, World Peace); and, Delbert Teague,
Jr. (None. Last minute he decided to eat a hamburger
at his Mother's request.).
But pity poor Pedro Muniz who
went to the Great Beyond back in 1998. Muniz,
doing time for the rape/murder of a 19-year-old
college student, requested shrimp and salad
for his final meal. In a last fit of irony,
shrimp was not available. Muniz was instead
served a cheeseburger, french fries and cola.
With a little justice on the side.
In case I finally snap and murder
an airline counter attendant, here's the recipes
I'd like to be used for my Last Meal. I flirted
with the idea of "Breakfast for Dinner"
featuring a skim latte, Asparagus and Cheese
Omelette, side of Creamed Chipped Beef Over
White Toast, Scrapple with Ketchup, and a Large
Glass of Milk, but I decided that it just wouldn't
be comforting enough as I walked that long,
cups freshly made bread crumbs
1 onion, chopped fine
2 eggs, slightly beaten
2 pounds ground beef
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 tsps. dry mustard
1 1/2 tsps. salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
3/4 cup milk
the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a loaf pan.
Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl;
your freshly washed hands are the best tools
for the job. Pat into the loaf pan and bake
for 45 minutes. The Fannie Farmer Cookbook
6 medium all-purpose potatoes
1/2 cup hot milk
4 tablespoons butter
Salt and Freshly ground pepper
Peel the potatoes and cut them
into quarters. Put them in a pan and just cover
them with cold water. Bring to a boil and boil
gently for 15-20 minutes or until fork tender.
Drain well and return to low heat. Add milk
and butter and start mashing with a potato masher
or fork. Smooth out the lumps. Transfer to a
bowl and whip with a fork adding more milk if
necessary. Flavor with salt and pepper. Serve
immediately. The Fannie Farmer Cookbook